STOP DRINKING THE BATHWATER!
Most articles about sexual addiction begin with statistics on the number of men dealing with sexual issues. But those statistics only matter if you're interested in theories. If you are a man who is finally ready to address your struggle with sexual issues then theories no longer matter. And if you're older than thirteen, you've probably been struggling for many, many years.
This writer is often seen as being very pragmatic. I want to know how Scripture applies to real people in everyday life. I'm interested in talking to men who are ready to stop hiding behind stats and theories, pain and excuses; men who are ready to stop saying, "I just need to pray more and try harder;" men who are really ready to count the costs of being a disciple of Jesus; men who are desperate to know if there is really any hope for a changed life. I and other men want to put II Corinthians 1:4 into action by allowing the comfort with which we've been comforted to overflow into other lives. We want to encourage those men who believe they are alone, those too afraid of betrayal or rejection to reach out to others, those who have looked into the future and see no hope of escape if they continue things as they are.
Many people wonder whether a "real Christian" can be stuck in a cycle of sexual sin. Shouldn't someone who is born again be free from sexual immorality? Yes, that is certainly God's stated plan and desire for our lives. It is also God's stated plan and desire that "real Christians" be free of gluttony, gossip, envy, laziness, self-centeredness and many other sins that are often seen as more acceptable than sexual sin. It is God's stated plan and desire to have each of us conformed to the image of Christ in all facets of life—to grow into the image of Christ.
So what's the hang-up for men? Why do so many "real Christian" men continue to return to unhealthy sexual gratification when they know this is not God's plan and they are desperate to change?
Sexual addition rarely has to do with sex alone. It is more often an attempt—whether understood by the man or not—to fill a God-given underlying need. Sex has become a perversion, a distortion, a counterfeit way of filling the need. In his book Breaking Free—Understanding Sexual Addiction & the Healing Power of Jesus, Russell Willingham discusses the malnourished heart and six areas of genuine need in the heart of the sex addict: Nurture, acceptance, security, competence, independence, and impact. If we can come to understand the true need we are trying desperately to fill and the healthy ways to meet that need, then we will find that breaking free of the addiction cycle becomes a real possibility. As we experience filling our needs of nurture or acceptance or security in true ways, the counterfeit looses its hold.
At the recent "Unleashed" conference held at The Rock Church, therapist and sexual-addiction speaker Aaron Reinicke told a story from his own life that illustrates this concept.
As a new father, Aaron was in the bathroom shaving while his toddler son took a bath. When the boy's play quieted, Aaron saw him drinking soapy water from his plastic boat. "Hey, Buddy, don't drink that water. It's yucky." The boy complied for a while, but a moment later his father had to say again, "Don't drink the bath water." Again the boy complied. The third time Aaron saw the boy raising the boat to his lips, rather than scolding, a thought hit him: Maybe he's thirsty! He handed his son a cup of "good" water, the boy gulped it down, and for the remainder of his bath never returned to drinking from the tub.
Like that toddler, many men have a need inside that they learned to quench in inappropriate ways. Desperate to fill the need, we turned to "bath water," not realizing the consequences that might follow. For the toddler, the unforeseen risks might be a tummy ache and diarrhea, but for the man who turns to sexual comfort to fill his needs, the risks can be isolation, a lost job, a broken marriage, damaged children.
In an effort to expand opportunities for men ready to change, this October four new For Men Only groups will be starting in San Diego and Orange Counties. The objective of FMO is to aid, encourage and support men who are rejecting passivity and actively working with God in becoming conformed to Christ's image in the area of sexual integrity. In addition to FMO, there are 12-Step programs and other groups and resources to assist men in turning away from sexual gratification as the answer for the needs within. The first step is to finally admit, "I can't do it alone," to muster the courage to put James 5:16 into action and "confess your sins to each other."
